some things I will never understand...

... for everything else, there's mastercard. o_O

Ok whatevs.  I am so not funny.  I am declaring WAR on dating. And I am also admitting that I ate cake today and an eclair yesterday. Ugh!!! What the heck?!?!?
I am totally enjoying hanging out with friends. Especially with no pressure or drama! I love it. What I don't understand is when a guy 'fakes' he likes you and secretly wants you in his life but selfishly won't even commit to a date/time spent and makes up excuses etc and then expects the girl to still be around. Technically its my fault for being the dumbass in the spotlight and allowing this to happen but its becoming more common the older I get to just tolerate stupid people, accepting their actions as 'normal' and 'okay' But really I am putting my pretty little Jimmy Choos down, and saying END NOW!!! You may be hot and check off my list of qualifications to date me but I will not come begging for anyone nor play mental mind drama games.

On a second note... nah I actually just wanna beyotch about this b hole. Just a little longer. argh!!! Why do you waste my time and energy?!?!? Why do I give a flying efff? Oh by the way, I am only allowed to date guys that like me... well guess theres no one left. SO I am taking a break. Anyone of you creepsters and you know damn well who you are, jerks, that text me looking for some attention from a pretty girl, you have got it alllll wrong. I am so over it. ok soapbox OFF. Thanks
Happy thoughts anyone? After all this is supposed to be about loving the good life. hahaha! Freak. Ok I have a good thought. I am enjoying some nice music at the moment. I heard a song earlier today that reminded me of my ex bf(the liar/cheater) and I didn't even miss him!!! I was so happy. I am actually over brandon. For the first time I am ok that he is gone. Next thought. I had a dream last night that I visited my old friends at the childrens hospital I worked at before nicu and it was a cool dream. bright and cheery, different looking inside but I saw a few people randomly throughout the dream. I always have weird dreams. I try to decipher most of them. What do they mean? When I am losing something or can't find it in my dream I decipher that to life somehow out of my control. When there are bright or happy things, or paths that lead to something positive, I know that I am comfortable in my life with something that is going on. So ok then, positive outlook you win! hahaha!
The one thing I give myself is that I am determined and never give up!!


Except with my BSN, I am so friggin tired of school and busy work I could vomit. I missed a project this weekend. I usually would freak out but I actually don't care. Maybe my give-a-damn is broken again.
Possible, it breaks a lot lately.

xo, D

Hmmmm

challenge the unknown!

Don't mind the demons they fill you with fear. Fear of the unknown.What are you afraid of? Hold my hand and I will walk with you! I realized tonight I am not alone in this mess of late twenty-something-ness.

What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger but honestly... it might actually make you more bitter. Just know you aren't alone and lean on friends and other positive people to 'make this place your home' (make this life YOUR LIFE' and no one elses!

So I love this song. Its hard to hear the lyrics. Its about two people who are splitting up, friends have their opinions etc. Its the best choice they could make. "the numbers" I assume are the amount of other people going through divorces as well... The beginning I interpret the tied to a rocking chair as meaning less motion and blank staring like when someone is numb. The last part 'am I the only one who seems to care?" and "I am not crazy" Ok so that's so me. Anyway. I posted this song not to relate to anyone but to make a point. See??!?!?! We are not alone. Everyone goes through this crap. Its how we deal with it and overcome it that makes us truly amazing or not.

I challenge you to face it. Face the fear of the opposite sex. They are just as terrified as you are of you. I had a chatty with a super hot friend of mine from years past over dinner tonight and he made an excellent point. 'If you think you are a 5/10 compared to another girl your guy has dated/married you might as well be a 5. Because you then believe you are a 5 and you portray a 5 and then he feels you're a 5 and guys don't like to date insecure women. And I tell you what you're not a 5. Besides its what is inside that matters in the end." A GUY SAID THIS! A cute sweet one. So crap. He also deciphered why I am single. Ok bear with me... I am sweet and loving... too much so. I am not pushy or controlling but I am generous and offer a lot up front. It scares them away. Makes sense right? SO my walls are high because of my OWN DOING. Great. hahaha! Day 1 of new me. I am a 10. Boooyah!

Go to bed ya fools!
D

peacock!

While I was shooting bridals I Managed to capture some peacocks lurking around looking for some attention. This guy knew he was caught and gave me the 'what what!?!?!?"

I am un-datable!

I am the common denominator in all my failed relationships/dating experiences... hence the light bulb! makes sense now. BING! Ok besides my undying fear of rejection and crying frantically until I soothe my sorry dumped/dumper ass with chocolate, I am totally living in a fairy tale world. Exhibit A: Latest boy, totally a babe, totally a catch, totally... not into me. And you know what, I am just fine with that actually. I made the decision tonight that I am happy with myself and I can do ALL things for myself. Exhibit B: the guy who is still married but swears he is 'getting divorced' and thinks I would make a good mommy to his kids. Bagggggage. Drammmmma. End of story. Exhibit C: Uhm any other guy I have dated in 2012. Exhibit D: for douche bag, the ex bf of two years. See a trend here? All lie, all manipulate, all play with my emotions and I LET IT HAPPEN cuz I am a nice chick. Well I am too busy for games. I do not need to beg for a man to want to see me or date me. I'd rather be single than pathetic. So the problem none-the-less is myself. I need to change my outlook on dating. I am in it to win it. I am the trophy wife and any guy that ends up with me will get a nurse, a a cook, a crafty woman, a sexy woman O;  and a fun girl, a good future mom, a sweet heart, treats at work, surprise txts during the day, sweet nothings just because and everything else that I have to offer as a woman.
As for the match.com foolery- When I see guys that are 'never married' status I begin to think ... well in history past they have proven to be jerks and/or too picky or just afraid of commitment. What is their deal? Or divorced, no kids... Hmmm similar story to me? Or married for 3 months kinda jig? I dunno. Either way I wonder how I am gonna end up another check on their 'she's nice but not THE ONE' list. When is it gonna be my turn. Hmph! hahaha! Anyway
So this week I am playing mommy. My brother is still outta town and my sister in law went to go get him and spend a week in the bahamas... booo hoo... And I have ellie. She is 4 and says the darndest things. HAHAHA
So the reason I thought of this... Our convo in the car earlier today

Ellie: Danielle? Do you live alone?
Me: No I live with puma
Ellie: I know but where's your husband?
Me: Ellie you know I am not married
Ellie: I know but you need a husband, you are so nice.
Me: Ellie, you don't need a husband to live
Ellie: When I am big I will have a husband
Me: Save yourself the trouble

hahaha she looked confused (:
We have painted pumpkins, gone shopping, made caramel apples, created a haunted graham cracker house with confection frosting and candy, player with glowsticks, baked and cooked, and kidnapped my ddad for lunch. Its been a busy two days so far. Being a mom is hard work. But so far. So good.
As for the latest boy... I will keep trying. He is worth the work but I am not sure if I have it in me to keep going. I would much rather ME be worth the work. Grrrrrr. Why must life be this difficult. I just want to enjoy it dangit! Well I am gonna. Cheers darlin.

Song of the day: Andy Grammer: Miss Me



JUST LET ME HAVE MY FAIRY TALE!

D

good morning beautiful

Who wouldn't wanna wake up late on a sleepy morning to a sweet face smiling at you? I've done this. Its just wonderful. But I can honestly say I haven't had a messy pillow fight before. This old country song has been in and out of my head for about a week now.



Although even a 'good morning beautiful' txt or call is just the start of a wonderful day.

 As for now. Good night.
Tomorrow is time to praise the lord. I have to work so those of you that can go to church, go.

10/20

SAGITTARIUS Oct, 20, 2012
You may be looking at the potential of a new opportunity with an overly critical eye. You are over-analyzing, you are being harsh in your judgment, and you are being generally pessimistic. Why? That isn't like you. As a Sagittarius, it is your nature to be practical. But it is not in your nature to have such a dark outlook. You need to figure out why your perspective is so skewed right now, because there is a chance at success that you may miss out on if you don't grab it quickly.

--
Copyright (c) The DailyHoroscope by Comitic

Words

If I had an iPad I could actually write what I am thinking and feeling. Bc this is a journal and all you are privvy to info... I have to safeguard what I say and pretend to not care sometimes. I've been hurt far too many times to actually let myself trust or believe what a guy tells me. But in the end... whois alone??? Not any d bag guy. Me! I am. Because I had a fairy tale wish that never came true. And I'm too scared to even believe that I deserve a fairy tale. Let alone a happy ending. So because of my effed up abandonment issues as a kid and my insecurities as an adult I have to live with this! Me. This crazy ass woman who is always throwing away good things in her life and believing she deserves nothing. So freaking what?!? So I'm alone again? Where I should be. Right where I was left to begin with. All you self righteous perfect people who judge and are better than us lowly people have def caused issues. But I'm better than that. I will find love someday. I know I will and I am gonna live that life I worked so hard for. Nothing is going to stop me. Except this hell hole state.
The one thing I will do over next time... Think before every doubt or assumption. Because I know I am a catch and if someone doesn't then that's ok. I don't need to cry anymore. Sorry for the vent.
D

What am I doing?

I have no clue.
I do not know
What things to do
What signs to show
You have me all
Twitterpated
Tonight alone...
I feel so jaded.
What the hell
Is going on
I tell myself
I'm in the wrong.
If loving you
Is my worst fear
Then what do I do?
I shed those tears.
Tonight to think
Tonight to cry
Tomorrow I blink
For again I try.
Xo

Universe 10/19

Shake the burden that comes from seeing your baby steps, Danielle, as a necessary discipline.

See them, instead, as optional dance moves, in life's conga line, that spark miracles, open floodgates, and lead to the near effortless manifestations of amazing sweet boyfriend s.

Day-o!
The Universe

Yussssss puhleasssse!!!

Tiffany Solitaire and Band!!!

What's love got to do with it?!

So today. I am off work. Done with homework. Finishing car errands. Ready to tend to my homemaker chores. And really wanting to bake something. Haha I know I know. I have been baking a ton lately. And learning new foodie recipes. Doesn't mean there's anyone special in my life that is encouraging me subconsciously or anything. Hahaha !! Why would I need to be in love to become all home-economized and sorts?!?! Stop. Because.
Anyway. Jobby in the nicu is going strong. I missed it I love that place too much!! Although last half of my shift yesterday kicked my trash. Totally worth it regardless. Because I made a difference! And I love my nicu friends/ coworkers.
Speaking of love. I love these new skinny jeans I bought. AGs. Wahoo they are perfect. And I love iPads. Hich I plan to buy one tonight. Yep. I sure do. But I'm not sure if I wanna go buy the iPad 2 or the new iPad. Bc the second I buy a new one... Apple will come out with a new better one. Haha and just like this cute white iPhone 4S it will become prehistoric. Nay... Extinct. Speaking of change. Work. My work is for sure making us wear navy scrubs. I've already purchased a few sets that are cute. No one will be able to tell me otherwise. The end.
Now speaking of buying crap. Miss Stella Grace is one expensive hussy. I tell ya!!! We got her oil change and a 100 point winter inspection and now getting new brakes and roters resurfaced. Anddddd now snow tires. I'm rethinking this iPad purchase. Booooo I'm so sad right this second. Ugh. If only I actually made money with photography I could afford one. But I don't. I either do it for free or nearly nothing. And I take too much time editing and working at taking the pics and driving etc. editing to make a great pic even better takes a great deal of time. And now I'm broke. So. Hmmmmm
Pondering... I don't think I am going to do pictures anymore. I just can't afford it. I'm sorry friends. I can refer you to real photographers though.
D
D

Being a brunette in a blondes world...

“[Today], every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes. Everyone else is struggling.” - Tina Fey

How's that for reality smacking you in the sucker? Now I am a goon for quoting so here you go, I am watchin a movie as I sit here workin on homework and dreamin of this hot man I am currently dating but secretly... NO ONE KNOWS WHO HE IS!!! (: suckers.
"Well, what am I supposed to do? Things have changed. No one meets each other organically anymore. You know if I would like to make myself seem more attractive to the opposite sex, I don't go and get a new haircut... I update my profile. That's just the way it is, you know?" -Mary (he's just not that into you)
So the boy you ask... he looks like a (dark) bradley cooper. dark hair, dark eyes instead of blonde and blue. Of course this pic is unedited but he needs no prettying up. Just a doll inside and out. But to be honest, I have not the slightest clue how he feels about me really. "If a guy wants to see you, he will see you."-Alex (he's just not that into you) So far, my biggest downfall is letting a guy know my weakness and insecurities. I am female. I am love. I am so innocent when it comes to love and lust. And yes I cut myself out of this picture. lol Why can't I just be happy? This girl that he knows messages him all the time. Its funny that he tells me. He also swore it was the same girl that set us up. But honestly, I don't care anymore. I have decided that I am going to live my life as I want and by myself. If I want a family, (well I do want a family) I can do it on my own. There are plenty of options for me out there. And plenty of babies that need homes and loving mommies. Who I know will be well loved and deserving of me. I have enough love to give the world. I am love. I am a nurse and I love what I do. On that same note. I decided to go back to nicu. I couldn't take being away from my babies. That is truly where I need to be.
But omg isn't bradley cooper just a stud?!? yay!!!

So this is my happy blog and I know sometimes I am negative... I am sorry. But I also swore that this was my journal that I was going to be honest and open and sassy.
I am serious though... I am worth the work. And the wait. I promise.



I love the boudoir session I did this past summer with the amazing photographer Amy Cloud from Aime Boudoir Photography. What an amazing way to make a woman feel like a million bucks and what a great gift to give a lover/husband/hunny pie for keepsakes. Of course this is an appropriate pic but they can be intimate as well. Oh to be a siren call. Anyway. Love the serenity and sassiness of this pose.
I just love feeling pretty. Being me is hard. I am so hard on myself. I twist up what I see in the mirror into something else. I let other women intimidate me into thinking I am not worthy of such love and affection. But it is better to be careful now than find out later I forced a man to get married, change who I am and become serious and not fun, then lead him away to some other women where he can get jiggy and leave me emotionally and mentally. I am not about to let my secret man slip outta my fingers but I can't let myself lose my mind or any sleep over it. Funny how I always have so many guys at my finger tips yet none of them seem to get down to my core. All I really want is someone who wants me and will love and commit to me. I have a plan and I know where I am going in life. I want someone to share it with me but if it doesn't happen then I know I am still bad ass awesome. I know there are a lot of girls out there like me. Single, ready for life but patience enough not to settle. Love life, my friends.
xoxo, D

Shine bright.

Like a diamond.
Like you are supposed to.
You choose your destiny girl. It's all on you.
When the worlds collide and
Fate becomes clouded
Minds fade to ashes
And then get so crowded.
The love lust and fate
You feel in your heart...
Will easily escape and tear you apart.
But chin up my dear
I'll tell you this now:
You are your own fears, promises and vows.
Remember yourself for you are your best friend.
The only one left standing
By your side in the end.
-Danielle cummins

http://youtu.be/kOGBIbqXwYE

yeah, i know

I've been the estranged bloggy wife lately. I have started (and quit) a new job and become sick as well. Although I enjoy writing for your pure unadulterated pleasure, I could give a rats about blogging lately. A few things other than listed above have kept me entirely pre-occupied. Homework...which has proven to be a big beast of a program and I can't wait to be done with school forever!!!!! Second, photography. If you don't follow my fbook page, you should. I try hard to take a great pic and then pretty it up even more. Have a few more sessions to finish and then a couple to take this month and a few for november!!!
AND dating... oh the joys of false hope and useless expectations. Yes you heard me. USELESS. I don't even know why I try. Its not like I am getting anywhere here. so apparently I am bitter and have craptastically false expectations. REALLY?!?!?! So here it is. Then, I will just do everything myself. I don't need men. I don't need love. Who the hell does? All we really need in life is pretty eye candy and a good toy or two. Well, I am not that kinda girl but you get my point! And on that same note. You can't trust anyone, really. Even family... closest friends, coworkers... nada, nuin, nunca, nein, whatever no is in all other languages I don't speak. I don't know why I spend so much time explaining myself to those who are bound and determined to misunderstand me. I try toooo hard to be better than I can be. Because  I know I can do more than I need, bite off more than I can chew, and please others before myself.
But then what happens to my insides? They jumble up... I push people away. Good, amazing and sexy-hot people away. I am very good at that actually. I am so used to crap ending bad or not turning out the way I want or wish it to... that I assume it all is like that. That all guys lie, won't make time or can't make extra time for his girl, will secretly date a bunch of other women to weed out the bad seeds, players- I call them. Want to see you when its convenient or not at all... unless you ask. Make up stories about their whereabouts, even when an explanation isn't elicited. Or better yet, talk the entire date about their ex gfs or wives until the only thing you leave the date from is facts about the girl who dumped his sorry butt... Or this one: Think that they should, or could even date when they are more than full time in school...w no job. And conveniently call or randomly txt when they feel like it. I dunno about you but I don't date to get through high school. Last I checked... this is real life and we are late 20 or early 30 somethings.
Here's my ploy, if you want to date Danielle... pull your head out of your ass and be somebody. Someone that she count on, depend on, be proud of, love and cherish, be exited about and excite her, treat her to surprises, spend QUALITY-not quantity time and make it worthwhile, kiss her, sneak a peck in public, better yet...hold her hand. Make her blush. Txt her in the middle of the day about how you are thinking of her or how you can't wait for your date together. Play with her hair while she lays on your lap during a movie at home. Tell her you missed her when you see her. Let her dress you on occasion... or undress. haha jk. Ask whats wrong when you know something is wrong. And then know its ok to be honest with her. Let her do nice things for and to you. Thats who she is. If you love her.. you had better tell her before someone else does. And when the moment is just right, you know it won't be any more perfect... show her.
Hows that for a big slap-in-the-face-hint???!!!???

SO to leave you with this eye candy from vampire diaries:

Song of the day: katy perry- wide awake

xoxo, me  always