can't save the world... ?

So this morning I think I had a delirious melt down. Not just because I carry the infamous XX chromosome.. not because I am PMS-ing (because I am not) or preggo (no thank you). Not because Santa didn't visit my house this year or I dropped my favorite color of Sephora glitter nail polish on my brand new jeans. Not even because my dog Lassie ran away... wait, wrong scene. I cried because I am a tired babbling damn fool who decided to not be angry enough with the current situation and instead internalize it as if its all my causal and not my effect. Make sense? OK: So I was stopped by a coworker who (like many friends I have there) cared enough to tell me this: "D you can't save everyone. We as nurses think we can and we can't. Its in our nature but we have to take care of ourselves."

I thought about it driving home... yeah I drove like an idiot MISSING ORANGE BARRELS by the way. And I thought. INSIDE RN WORLD: Like. nurses in the ER do all they can to stabilize a crash victim before transport to surgery. Where prognosis may not be so hot but trust and hope is all they have from there. Nurses comfort the souls of pediatric cancer ridden angels who need love and just that spark of faith even when they know that death is inevitable. They help deliver and save NEW LIFE everyday. Rushing blood and meds to mom. Babies to ICU. Saving two lives for the price of anything. They hold the hands and feed the elderly and dying chronic patients. Trying to keep their dignity and quality of life as much as they can knowing that this will end and it was all for such a short moment in time. We internalize all their burdens. Pains. Losses. Then we take our RN-instinctual souls and carry it out in our world. OUTSIDE: Hold the door for others behind us. Let the little old lady cross the walmart crosswalk at oh, negative 10 miles an hour before driving. Not asking for help, even when its necessary... with anything. Working nights so others can sleep, or work or so they can be home with their children. Sacrificing like so much for everyone else. NOT Eating at dinner time so kids are all fed. Showers? HA! Then the other parts. Marrying someone who doesn't " COMPLETE YOU. " ← sorry Tom Cruise. Because you think things will change. Or hope. Its that damn HOPE engraved in us. Being in long relationships even that end badly but hoping the other will get better and come back different. Thinking if you try hard enough you can fight the cancer-like (bad habit) for them and take on the burden so they can get better and not suffer. What does it do? It burns us out. We can't take care of the other patients that need us in our field if we are burnt out. Just like in our own lives. There's a balance, you see? But the problem is finding it. 

I can't save everyone. Even if I love them. If I was meant to.... I would have a cape and a really cool name. But I CAN decide who controls me and my emotions. Ever since I made that change at work, its been so much better! And with my family, I decided to make decisions and if I have to say no (even though I cave sometimes) I don't feel bad. Because I need to take care of me. I am no good to anyone if I am NO GOOD to myself. And that goes for relationships. We may be superheros but we can't save the world. I can't save everyone. I can't really SAVE anyone but myself. because those that truly love you won't put you in a situation where ultimately saving yourself is the only choice ya got to survive. Now if only I believed all this load of crap I just poured out to you. :) In time, and in therapy. 

But in the meantime, I can save this chocolate covered strawberry from being a waste. 

xo, D