I am who god made me

Defective as I come... I am still me. I am simple. Complex at times. I am anxious and worry about others too much. The price I pay for this trait I have always hadand try too hard is detrimental. Thus pushing all people in my life away. Change is hard. Life changes constantly. There is no guarantee in any of this hoopla. All I know is that I am me. I would change 99% of who I am to be someone who I am not just to please the world. Just to make it. Just to find love. Happiness. Something. Today. Like yesterday, I was up till noon. yes. I have the worst sleeping disorder on the planet. But my excuse was family breakfast today. I wasted my day. Sleeping off and on. Dreaming. Thinking abstractly about things I can't control. People I do not own/know. Life I do not live. But I can't change me. I can only improve me. Which is why I am in school. All the time. I am learning new hobbies and interests. Talents. Ideas. I wake up every day, well most days. I have to look at myself and know that I represent me. I am selling this product every day. I am not good at sales. I just want the life. I keep thinking I will never have it. I am refusing going to my 10 year reunion. First of all... I have no one that will trade me at work. Always awesome. Secondly, what? I show up alone? Yeah. No. I have seen all the people who plan on attending. I am not one of them.

Shoot will someone turn off this research video crap for my global nursing class? I am tired of seeing and listening to worlds falling apart because of lack of life saving access.

I have a problem finding the right words to get out what I am trying to say. Or how I feel. I have decided that I don't care the cost... I need to go back to counselling. I feel misunderstood. I feel lost. I am lonely and reaching out but no one will throw me a life preserver. But its not what I need. Damnit. I need to swim. Eff all that crap. I need to swim to shore and forget all the dang 'trying to hard bull'. I am who god made me. Why would I want to be anyone else? Whats the point in living life if you don't live? So I will swim.

And on that note. I re-listed my Match.com it was hidden for certain reasons but now I feel that part of swimming is paddling. Not just wading. You won't get anywhere wading and floating. It seems to distract me. I just want to be happy. One arm in front of the other. Head above water. Keep your eyes on the shore. Swim to live. Happiness is waiting on the shore! Whether that is with someone or not. "Just keep swimming just keep swimming."- Dori

Thanks Dori, You are right!