The masks that wear us...

While I have all this free time(not!) to ponder about what and who I really want in this life I start to wonder if I have changed who I am and what I believe or don't just for someone else to accept me. Why now? Why is this affecting me so much lately? All my life I have alterd myself to fit the mold. The ideal friend and girlfriend. The perfect daughter. The good student. The dependable employee. The contributing citizen. And for what? To sit here and give and give and not get in return and get a non contributor rating at work for a mess up with iT and the computer crap? To give my all to my babies and moms and coworkers just to get spat on and pretty much told I'm scum and now I think I should look for another job where I know I'm appreciated and trusted. And maybe I should just stop dating? Because all the guys I seem to find are selfish assholes and the ones that aren't are just big mommas boys. I'm serious. Where are the real men out there? I hav my crap together. Like all of it. I'm a catch and I know I am a big deal. I have this cognitive distortion where I see things negatively and I think I am a bad person all the time and I feel like I am the fattest kid in the candy store. Why? Why do I let all you idiots control how I feel? Even in grade school there were dumb boys and girls whom I'll never forget because they were bullies. Yeah. Even at 30 years old. I watch all them and all my exes find a successful relationship and have a family. Granted I haven't made the best decisions at who I choose to date /marry but still. Really? 

So I am thinking about the different masks that are out there? 

I am a daughter. The obligations and expectations that come with being a daughter are high and often unattainable. Don't worry. I have spent my life letting a mask wear me. 

I am a friend. The strains and tolls of letting others in on a person can really be exhausting. I feel that lots of my friends are "energy vampires" that just suck the livin life right outta me! But don't you fret. I have used most of my free time letting that mask wear me as well. 

I am a girlfriend. Most guys I have dated have made an impact or shall I say DENT in my life. I try to be a better Mormon. I tried drinking. Partying. I let my guard down. I was vulnerable. All to just desire to be loved and adored by someone. And for what? What mask is wearing Danielle in this situation? Any and all masks but my own true flesh. Who would love a real woman of taste and sass and loveydovey feelings? So the masks wear me. All day. Everyday. 

I am an employee. A hard working genuine accountable and dependable one at that. I give more than my all. I give my best. I give my soul and my heart. Just to be replaceable and expendable. This mask is wearing me out. 

I am a student. Never in my academic career... Even kindergarten have I ever half assed anything. Always doing more than expected of me. Never skipping class or assignments. I used to love school. Then it got me down. It wore me like a starving fool who just kept chuggin along. Waiting for my bug break. Now that I am in school again for a degree I actually can keep as a hobby for life, school doesn't seem so tedious anymore. Hoops? What hoops? Oh you mean it's plain and simple?

I am a cat mom. Stupid cats pissed on the bathroom floor by heir litter box. I don't know which one but they both got in trouble. I don't need one more thing to clean up!! 

Kind of a tangent there. But I needed to tell someone! Anyway, tonight I am gonna go to the gym. Work on my butt that never gets smaller. Come home and eat something quick. Sit in bed unable to sleep all night. Get up early for class. 

This life of masks is really daunting and challenging. You know what mask I want to absorb? A mom and wife one. I truly have so much to give. The mask wouldn't wear me. I'd wear it. Proudly. Firmly. Truly.